• Greg Wixted

Do you a flavour? donuts as a dessert, only Americans speak donut


Well hello ya’ll (it’s a word, look it up) in Australia, I had to google it, I thought it was a suburb in Austria, not on the other side of the world. My name is Cerise Pye, a USA based pastry chef who answered an Ad on Craigslist to write about my “culinary journey!” which I found strange as I never been outside New York. But for $20 a post or the price of a pint of Buffalo Trace White Dog Mash moonshine, and i was sold.

.

I was born and raised above my parent’s bakery in New Jersey, where I used to work as a teenager. Until there was an incident with the head baker and royal icing and we will leave at that, it’s to traumatic and my Valium aint kicked in yet. I always wanted to be a pastry chef, so funnily enough I came into some money after my mother’s, apartment got burgled (that what she thinks) and I headed off to the world famous, Institute of Culinary Education in New York city, but only for a year. (those rings were worth as she much told tell people, it’s not wonder she can’t keep a husband!)


I spent all my working years in NYC attempting to be an adult/pastry chef and for some ungodly reason you people think, I’m an authority on all things Pastry. I have worked in and been fired from some of the best restaurants and places that look like they should fail every health inspection. Once I had do some pans in the kitchen, the porter was sick, I suspected TB from the mould in restaurant, So I stuck my hand into the water to look for the dishrag, felt something soft & squishy and pulled it out...it was a drowned mouse.


So, this week I want to tell you people about something called flavour, something we Americans know a lot about, we spray cheese in a can and Fruit Loops (and I dont mean the cereal). I see the pastry chef at the twins catering place (I am sure they are just one person with a split personality) but hey they/him are paying me to impart my culinary wisdom on you folks


So what’s his face party chef posted this “cute video” (here it is If you haven’t seen it) all about how donuts are the next big thing, maybe in your part of the world, but here they have feeding this lad arsed over weight nation for since the dawn of bakery time. And I am only assuming he is asking you good people to “Do Him A Flavour” because.


A, he don’t know anything about flavour and is to lazy to google it,

B he has all the skills of Jamie Oliver, meaning none! or

C he spends too much time face down in the powdered sugar!!


So I will do you a favour and flavour for free!. The only flavour you need to know is the, taste of unrefined sugar glaze and so much of it you get instant tooth decay. And If want to go all fancy ass, add a little bit of Smuckers Grape Jelly in the Middle…and hey presto your first genuine American donut recipe and $1000 for the dentist bill

Until next week or when I am sober enough to write again

Yours

Cerise

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