LOVE, VENOM & HATE IT MUST BE VALENTINES OR MARTHA HAS A NE W BOOK
Big, no HUGE news this week my new book just came – yes I fucking lied to you the other day….I have a book out !!!! so there, but first let me in inspire your culinary juices as its Valentine’s.
After a frantic message on LinkedIn (over 50 of you people asked to connect and to the 50 of you who TRIED, back the f***away and NO means. NO even on social media! She claimed to be the wife, far too pretty to be an actual celebrity chef’s wife, let alone a non-celebrity chefs wife (i poked around her social pages) She was going on about we have nothing for valentine’s day, you could try Tiffany or Cartier or Anne Summers, or Amazon you have that now down under, I mused to myself. But I read something in the catering media that one of the “Twins” has launched a new school kids canteen business, so chef’s hat off to you. I say you as I am not convinced, there are two of them, I mean just look on Google, Nada peeps, sweet FA. I wanted to ask the wife how was her husband’s mental illness after he sent me $40 this week, or was it progressive over time and if she didn’t know what I was on about then..my next question way. Did you know you are married to a nut job schizoid, who thinks he is a twin?. But the inner Cerise (the good Angel who doesn’t drink) said “Cerise Pyes”,hush up that filthy trailer trash park mouth of yours, this instant” after a 10 min argument I gave up and didn’t ask...next time, i will get to the bottom of this if its the last eclair I ice.
So let me tell you about my new book, well its not new it never came out last time, I was committed at the time, not to work or a another human, I couldn’t commit to a gold fish, let alone a person. I can’t bring up phlegm, let alone a child, so what hope has someone real (not made of silicone, as some vicious bitch who can’t cook for fuck blogger) , wrote about me not so long ago. FACT I have May Flan in the car with me so, I can go in the drive pool lane (look it up, you don’t have roads imagine,). At the time I was committed to an institution as a precautionary measure, after 4 days of popping the A to Z of under the over counter prescription drugs and 4 spoons of a new batch of Tonka Bean and Honey infused mushrooms. (Recipe to follow) I was only icing pictures of a naked Trump on fairy cakes for a Republican fundraiser, i photos they were just blobs of orange.
It did clear up my rash very nicely I do have say. But back to the book: Golden Crumbs, a 100 AMAZING BAKING RECIPES TO DIE FOR OF BAKING GENUIS BY PASRTY CHEF CERISE PYES. Best seller people, no need to thank me you can have a free copy *here is the link, and treasure it, like the first Victoria sponge recipe you ever perfected. It’s the first thing you are taught at the ICE, for you non pastry chef types, the uncreative ones, can you say that? Or do you call them culinary challenged therefore on the “Spectrum”. It’s on the LA TIMES best seller list, it got a 5-star review and backhanded comment from the food editor “After years in the culinary freezer, Cerise Pyes is the cherry on top again".
Culinary Freezer, who the fuck is she talking about, she has the look of a bull dyke (speaking of LGBTQ’s Happy Madi Gras to all the gays down under each other..Cersie baked you a little something (and not with the Shrum Honey either) Rainbow lamington’s the recipe is below. Culinary Tip 1, done tick. Yes, so back to the “food editor” and hair like Caitlin Jenna. So, i say to you missy with the trannie hair, when you can perfect all my recipes high on GHB and Diazpam then we can talk. So, my week was going amazing, I am loving work again, getting ready for Valentines. Oh I am sure I will have lots to tell as…Drum roll pleeeease, I am hosting my very own live Valentines Dessert & Cocktails pop-up, created by the UK finest immersive agency, Xpert, who are helping the “Twins” let’s go with that until we get proof, I mean it’s not like they don’t read this crap, they could have posted a photo of themselves. I have been recruiting some chefs to freelance for the 3 weeks we are open.
I asked for skilled chefs to post a valentine’s recipe, I have had all sorts of crap posted and the best was from today’s chef who is the god dam Spectrum, With wait for it….fucking shitting Shrimp and Spicy Frozen Raspberry dipping sauce, so I am sure there is a poor soul who likes a challenge and will make it..and when the sick in your mouth subsides do write and let us know what you think or even better post in the new group.i have…. So I have engaged this agency who are a new start up and claim to be the best at finding amazing chefs all over the world, let’s see, I may just end up with some pre-paid hookers. So then dear fans, I can call you fans, it’s been a month and there are 1000’s of you reading this, so it can’t be that fucking bad and for those of you who think it is. May be stricken with a dose of Chefs Arse! (LOOK IT UP) the culinary youth of today with their temperature controlled food trucks and dehumidified kitchens. So WHO fucking pops up on my kindle as I am checking my sales for the week of Golden Crumbs (*free copy to download)with her new book,
Former American TV Cook & Convicted Felon, Martha H Stewart, firstly I am curious as what the H stands for ,I would hazard a guess , Hiester, Highway Robber, Holdup artist, Hood, Hustler they all fit. And the same of said prose??? Dry Toast – Easy Recipes, HOW much fucking easier could it get I ask you. I have just the thing to spread on her Dry Toast – This British crap Twix Spread or these foul smelling exclusives from our flu bearing friends in China - Hot Chicken Oreos and Wasabi Oreos. I mean, how could I not buy them? When thumbing though a copy of Dry Fucking Toast.. They just sounded so…what’s the word…INSANE, like her book.
She has lost it; I am surprised she has NOT written a "how to guide" to go along with it. Dry Toast Prison Shank, Dry Toast Ninja throwing star, the crème from those vile Oreos it will burn thought your skin or fucking eyeballs, what about a Dry Toast Nail File... do your nails and pick a lock all at the same time or use Dry Toast to sand the sideboard, She has hit Crack Den Rock bottom, I tell you and the worst thing is people are buying this crap. She needs locking up again and this time in an 8x4 with rubber walls. So that did put a slight downer on my week, but this time I downed it out with this divine new Ketal One Vodka Peach and Orange Blossom, now that’s Cerise’s is the Cherry on Top again and funds are flowing just like my vodka. Have to dash now only two more days before my pop up opens but I will give you all the gossip next week. What not join my Facebook Group and keep in touch
Happy Valentine’s Day
Madi Gras Rainbow Lamington,
The viral rainbow trend has seen the rise of multi-coloured bagels and even rainbow swirls through our coffee crema. Cerise has brought you his rainbow lamington, a truly happy Australian invention. Made in the USA
300g unsalted butter, softened
1 1/3 cup (295g) caster sugar
2 tsp vanilla bean paste
3 cups (450g) self-raising flour
1 cup (250ml) buttermilk
1/2 cup (125ml) milk
Few drops each yellow, purple, red, green, blue and orange food colouring (We used natural food colouring available from health food shops)
1/3 cup (110g) raspberry jam
1 cup (70g) shredded coconut
WHITE CHOCOLATE GANACHE
400g white chocolate, chopped
1 cup (250ml) pure (thin) cream
Preheat oven to 150°C. Grease and line two 20cm square cake pans with baking paper. Using a stand mixer, beat butter and sugar over medium-high speed until thick and pale. Add the vanilla, then add the eggs, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition. Reduce speed to low, then add one-third flour, then one-third milks. Repeat, alternating between flour and milks, beating until combined.
Divide the batter among 6 bowls. Add a few drops of different food colourings to each bowl and stir to combine (you may need to use a few more drops to achieve the desired colour depending on the brand). You should have separate yellow, purple, red, green, blue and orange cake batters. Dollop spoonfuls of different coloured batters in each cake pan until all batter is used. Using a knife, swirl the mixture in the pan to create a rainbow effect. Be careful not to over mix the colours.
Bake for 40 minutes or until a skewer inserted into the centre comes out clean. Cool cakes in pans for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack to cool completely.
Meanwhile, for the ganache, place the chocolate in a heatproof bowl. Place the cream in a small saucepan over medium heat. As soon as cream mixture bubbles around the edge, immediately pour over chocolate. Set aside for 5 minutes to melt, then stir until smooth. Set aside to cool and thicken.
Using a serrated knife, trim the tops of the cakes to level. Place one cake layer on a board. Spread jam over the top, then sandwich with the remaining cake layer. Trim the sides of the cake to create a perfect square, then cut into 9 equal squares.
Place ganache in a shallow bowl and shredded coconut in a separate bowl. Coat sponge in ganache, then roll in coconut. Set aside on a wire rack to set, then serve
Pureed frozen raspberries, horseradish and cayenne pepper give this shrimp cocktail sauce a sweet-spicy flavor profile and a point of differentiation. Try it for Valentine’s Day, an Oscar-watch party or other occasions that call for a classically elegant starter. OR JUST PUT IT IN THE FUCKING BIN
1½ cups pureed frozen raspberries
¼ cup tomato paste
1 lemon, zested and juiced
¼ cup granulated sugar
3 tbsp. grated fresh horseradish
1 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp. sherry vinegar
¼ tsp. ground cumin
¼ tsp. ground coriander
¼ tsp. ground cayenne pepper
½ tsp. kosher salt
¼ tsp. freshly ground black pepper
1½ lb. large shrimp, cooked